Monday of the 4th Week of Eastertide
Acts 11:1-18 | Psalm 41(42):2-3,42:3-4 | John 10:11-18
The hired man, since he is not the shepherd
and the sheep do not belong to him,
abandons the sheep and runs away
as soon as he sees a wolf coming,
and then the wolf attacks and scatters the sheep;
this is because he is only a hired man
and has no concern for the sheep. (John 10:12-13)
I had a revelation yesterday: I love my parish deeply, and all who serve in it.
Even though it’s technically not my parish.
Even though there are those in my own choir who frustrate me deeply, staring off into the distance or down into their scores, or otherwise distracting themselves, while I’m trying to get everyone to sing as one.
Even though those close to me have urged me repeatedly to distance myself mentally and spiritually from who have no interest in following,
to not get involved in matters that could bury me in excruciating and unappreciated effort,
to avoid further agony from the internal struggles I’ve written about several times already.
And especially since we’ve elected new choir leaders and a new liturgical committee. I have, as I’ve pointed out to many folks already, no further obligation or standing.
But none of that matters, when I see, hear, and feel the spirit of my parish, the spirit of the “old guard” with whom I’ve served for decades, crying aloud in the pangs of needed but too-rapid change.
None of that matters, when I’m already neck-deep in counselling moderation, discussing alternatives, advocating new points of view.
None of that matters, when I’m compelled by some unseen force to sit in on the next LitComm meeting, despite my lack of official status, just to be in a position to listen, to process, and perhaps to quietly suggest a moderate path.
None of that matters, because I am not a hired man.
I’ve already proven myself over the years to be full of love but a terrible shepherd. I’m still motivated to keep working on that shepherd bit, even though part of me fears that it may be a futile effort.
Because I love my parish deeply, and all who serve in it.
I don’t know why, but that’s OK.
WARNING: LANGUAGE AHEAD, PARDON BEGGED.
Cold logic is telling me I’m so screwed, that emotional involvement generally ends badly, but love is telling cold logic to go screw itself.
In any case, whether I’m royally screwed or only gently so, it’s a pleasure to be screwed in the service of others. As St. Peter reminded us in yesterday’s liturgy:
The merit, in the sight of God, is in bearing punishment patiently when you are punished after doing your duty. (1 Peter 2:20)
Oh, such sweet, sweet agony.
Lord, You commanded me to stop running away, and I have done so.
If it is Your will that I should help others through their problems out of love, with neither authority nor request, and though loved ones may call me fool, then Your will be done.
For Yours is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory, now and forever.
Amen.